Autopilot.
Okay, so I’m not dead. I’m still here… okay, not really… I will try and write but I’m not promising anything. Not even to me. I am braindead and colourblind and generally numb. I need to heal… I think. Ohkay, so, write…
People are leaving… have left. They are going to come back with fancy degrees and fancier experiences… People are doing cool things… they call only to discuss the not so cool things… I find about the cool things by accident. Okay, so I am exaggerating. Well, that’s what I do. What DO I do? What exactly? Sleep? Let go. Sulk? There’s so much to think about that I refuse to think. There is so much that is changing that I just ignore it. I will maintain my status-quo. Or will I? I refuse to let go of yesterday, for it made me happy. I refuse to be happy about tomorrow, for I am unsure about how it would make me feel. I never wanted to grow old. I am old enough already. We don’t need to grow older. We don’t. You don’t need to leave. Why do you need to? What’s wrong with this city? Why can’t you all just enjoy this place? What’s with this need to see the world? What’s with the plans to get settled? To move out! Let the parents pamper you. Who says you need to make it on your own. Who says there are decisions to be taken? Just enjoy JDs with me, fine I’ll let you have Bacardi. Why do you need to move on and expect me not feel any different? You and you and you……………… and me.
There is so much. So much that has changed. It was so gradual that I let it pass… I am scared now. Am I such a cliche? Comfortably numb? I don’t think so… Its such an effort to think. I am on Auto Pilot. I bite, pray, don’t talk to me. There is always too much to do. I do enjoy that but at the cost of me? Am I supposed to carry on? I was told I should smile more. I wonder why they tell me that. What’s so special about a smoker’s smile? The nicotine stains? Can you see them…? I am not light anymore. I am hardly free. I am never ridiculously happy. I have mastered the fake laugh. Did you know that? Of course you did, for you liked the twinkle in my eye when I laughed. I am changing… I am heavier, slower, duller and so restricted. I am stuck, I am here, I am still here… Can you see me? Or have I finally managed invisibility? Do I want to be around? Am I even needed here? Should I stay or should I go? Oh we are so slow and so soft and so small. Shrinking and turning and contracting and reducing by the minute… Deadline after deadline, headache after headache, painkiller and anti acids… hairloss? Weight gain. Another late night and I’m not drunk. I’m just tired. So very tired. And you think I can write. I think I am suffering… from a writer’s block. Maybe you can help… maybe… but will you try?
Silvara said,
1 September 2008 at 11:59 pm
I know this feeling all too well…
But it seems like the person u are directing this to needs to know as well…
*hugs*
D said,
2 September 2008 at 5:14 am
What a coincidence! My last post is about the exact same thing. Hate to let go of the past and have to suffer with the knowledge that there just is no other option.
MisterCrowley said,
2 September 2008 at 2:17 pm
You need JD :D
siropdevanille said,
3 September 2008 at 6:45 am
@Silvara: Thanks and hug :)
@D: Just read that post… quite a coincidence eh?
@Mr C: Aye aye Sir!
chandni said,
3 September 2008 at 5:26 pm
People going away to prettier shores. The drained numb feeling. Being in the same boat never felt as uncomforting.
Yes hugs are due. The bone crunching oh i can’t breathe kind.
haru said,
3 September 2008 at 8:10 pm
institutionalized :(
Asif said,
5 September 2008 at 4:39 am
:) yes I know I know…not easy, but then u cant help but think, and think…and then u do go on autopilot…yes
Radhika said,
6 September 2008 at 5:48 am
Writer’s block??? u kiddin me.. i can feel it..
Radhika said,
6 September 2008 at 5:49 am
take care..
siropdevanille said,
6 September 2008 at 2:48 pm
……………………….
Suvi said,
8 September 2008 at 10:59 am
You know what helps me in such moods… I eat! Gluttony can really cheer u up for a while.
But on a serious note – ppl leaving gives u an opportunity to make new frds and meet new ppl. The worlds a big place sweety and u are surely gonna enjoy every bit of it.
Keep smiling….