random thought no. 7

I want a well-done steak with lots of pepper sauce, lots of fries and mashed-potatoes(!) and to wash it all down, I demand a JD with three cubes of ice. This should be followed by pure-unadulterated-honest-to-God chocolate. Then I wish to continue consuming JD. I wish to eventually achieve a bourbon-induced-stupor with a big happy smile on my face. Go figure!

Run stupid RUN!

At work, you meet a variety of people. You shock them and they shock you. Culture shock is possible in a short drive from home to office. What is also possible here, is a complete and utter shattering of your belief system. I am talking an 8 or more on the Richter scale!

If you need my help or have to work with me, do NOT piss me off. How to NOT piss me off? Or most people around you is by using a little bit of discretion and a lot of Google and dictionary.com! It’s quite simple, really. Let’s illustrate the problem at hand.

#1
We have Cisco phones at work, it flashes your name bright and clear for me to read, even then, in my world it is alright to say…
“Hi Sirop, this is XYZ speaking”
“Yes, XYZ, tell me.”
“I work in so and so team in the Delhi office”
“Hmmm.”
“Are you in the Delhi office?”
“Yes…”, See, the problem starts right here! All Delhi office extensions start with the number 4. All of them. Not any OTHER location’s!
“Oh good. I need 20 copies of Lala guide”
“Oh well, that won’t be possible”
“WHY? But my Partner wants it you know!”
“I understand”
“I don’t think you do. He wants 20 copies right now!”
“Well, it’s a global publication and we have not received copies of the same, I can however give you a soft copy”
“No no! What would clients do with a soft copy. Even I have been wanting to read it and cannot unless something is on paper!”
“We are not allowed to print it”
“Give me your printer number and the global office number!”
“That will not help… the printer needs source files to print and will charge you a”
“Money is not a concern!”
“But it is… we are cutting…”
“You don’t understand anything! This is urgent!”
“Just email them to the clients”
“You don’t understand! I’ll get fired! BYE!”
And she hung up! HUNG UP!

#2
She called on my extn. 5 times in a row. I was on a conference call, so she starts calling on my cell. Ugh. I pick up the phone to…
“Sirop! Where are you? This is urgent! I need your help NOW!”
“I am on a call, can I get back to you please…”
“No! NOW!” *pause* “Please!”
I put the conference call on mute and said, “Yes… tell me”
“I need you to help me find a report”
“Okay? What is it called?”
“I don’t know.”
*Stunned silence* I ask, “How do I find it then?”
“I have a quote from it!”
“Okay… let’s Google that then”
“Really! You can do that!”
“Well, I am really tied up”
“No, please find it”
“I’m very busy… See, it’s fairly simple…”
“Fine. Don’t help me! Let me tell you I have to report to Mr. ABC with the report in the next hour! He gave the quote!”
“Huh?”
“What?”
“He gave the quote!”
“Yes!”
“Ask his EA to pull out his schedule and get the name of the report release he spoke at… that is if you cannot ask him yourself”
“HOW can I ask HIM?”
“Ask his EA, Do a Google search… and if you still cannot find it, wait till my call gets over.”
“Thanks for being no help Sirop. Thanks so much”
And surprise, surprise she hung up!

#3
“Hi Sirop, can you send me credential pack for so and so client”
“Well, credentials are not client-specific”
“Yes they are!”
“Ohkay..! I have a generic deck, please customise them…”
“Really? you have them!”
“Yes, I’ll just mail them to you…”
“Thanks… but errr…”
“Yes?”
“What do you mean customise?”
!?!

#4
“Hi… you edited the document I had written”
“Yes, as your document had to be finalised urgently, I used the branding and writing checklist to…”
“You have made mistakes”
“Oh”
“Yes. You changed it apostrophe s to just its”
“Yes, because the its you wanted to use should have been the one which has a possessive noun meaning…”
“I don’t care about nouns! I have been using it’s and its forever. You made a mistake”
“Uhuh.”
“I am changing it back.”
“No you are not.”
“But…”
“I am not wrong, let me explain…”
“No! I am right, you are wrong!”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
So, exasperate me, asked, “Well.. what source will you trust?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Online links? Grammar guide’s scan… what?”
“My manager did not pick it up”
“Go to the manager again and ask”
“But I am right!”
“Sorry, I’m getting a call, please check with your manager again.”
“But…”
“Sorry, big daddy calling, bye.”
WHAT THE FACK!? He is 19 going on anal retentive! Argh. That’s what happens when you put babies in the workplace.

Now, to top it all off! I am going to go to office to ensure a courier goes out on time for an event on Monday evening. I would like to say… BURN! MOTHERF***ER! BURN! But I say to one and all, if you’re stupid and around me… RUN!

We learn.

Lesson # 1.

Do NOT under any circumstances trust a newbie waiter.

He WILL get confused when you order a large whiskey and coke and a regular JD and coke. He WILL get you large JD and cokes, you will not find any fault with the drink, you will enjoy it more than usual. You will go ahead and have B52 shots as well. You will be VERY drunk once you see the bill declaring your consumption of eight JDs and two B52 shots on a weekday in a very short period of time.

Oh come on! Of course we tipped him, we were fuckin’ flyin’! Yes, I AM at work.

Don’t trust ‘em! DON’T!

 

ETA: Lesson # 2.

There is no such thing as a “Cure to a Hangover”. No. Such. Thing.

If you are fucked. You are fucked. If your head feels like it will split in half, it most definitely won’t, but it will continue to feel that way. If your mouth feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton, it hasn’t been, but it will continue to feel that way. You can drink copious amounts of water but it is never enough to rid you off of the after-effects of copious amounts of alcohol. If your brain feels dead, it is. If your stomach feels unsettled. It bloody well is! Drinking angostura bitters and orange bitters or lemon juice or milk or whatever the fuck people tell you to ingest will NOT help. You will suffer.

Don’t move around much. Avoid sudden movements. Avoid people for your and their good.

Later then.

Will we ever leave?

Delhi is burning. We work in air conditioned buildings, breathing re-cycled air, sipping not-so-nice coffee and staring at our office laptops typing emails and creating documents and calling on people’s extensions. Delhi is burning and I am heading for a burn out. The phone rings constantly, the cell phone rings too, the emails don’t stop and it’s too hot to do anything over the weekend. It’s not like I didn’t try. I did. I lost it within an hour of being in CP (I had some work to do, I don’t usually step out at 1 pm on Saturdays when it’s 44 degrees out there) (Oh! Celsius).

Of course, I had to have Butterscotch milkshake from Keventer’s and a chicken patty from Wenger’s, it’s a tradition/ ritual of sorts when visiting CP. The milkshakes are to die for, they are Rs 25 for a big big bottle of whatever flavour you want and the chicken patty is now Rs 33 but it’s still the same chicken mince stuffing and this lovely golden brown… such much love! This consumption helped only with the energy burst… My face was bright red (thanks to the sun, sunscreen never works), I was finishing bottle after packaged bottle of water, and repeating anything stupid or funny being said by passers-by. The brother pushed me away from people and closer to shoes. I am proud to say that I finally bought something purple and red in the same day. I also picked up books… Murakami and Kureishi… Sigh.

Nothing can be done about this, this insane delayed-monsoon-crazy-angry-summer situation! We have fucked over nature so much that now we have to suffer… but was it really our fault? Why can’t nature punish the ones who fucked up? Why us? The air conditioner cannot be on all day right? Right? Gah! We are dehydrated… it feels like the onset of a hangover 24/7. What we need is a summer vacation. No, not annual leave. We should just stop functioning. Hibernate but in very cool, dark places. Heh.

Delhi is burning. I am working on the edge. Nowhere is safe anymore! Nothing is a respite anymore! I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to not have nightmares about the stage collapsing at some event we are organising and being blamed for it! I don’t want Excel to be personified in my dreams as the bad guy! I want a pedicure and a manicure while sipping on JD and coke. I want to run back to the hills, rent a small place and stay there for a long long time. I want to come back here only when they promise me a good Delhi winter.

Heh!

The milieu or interests of an institution of learning of the highest level, having a college of liberal arts and a program of graduate studies… here I come!*

Academia as per Calvin.

 

*paraphrased from dictionaries.

‘only unfulfilled love can be romantic…’

I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona again… 

It is so ridiculously beautiful in a sepia and gold and sunflower-esque way… it breaks my fragile heart. The music makes me smile a silly happy smile and Woody Allen’s narration makes me smirk. I stare at the screen for everyone is so gorgeous in that light, golden-honey-like**… soft… so soft… their flaws smudged, disappearing almost. Scarlet is so utterly gorgeous… so gorgeous… Rebbecca Hall is so so pretty… Penelope Cruz oozes sexuality and insanity… (mood swings were never so hot!) And Xavier Bardem is quite the eccentric, sexually desirable successful painter. *Sigh*

 

All this and the words…! The love… the passion… the ‘love making’… it’s so beautifully and simply presented to you that you keep on watching, waiting for his words to wash over you… their words, their acts, their indulgences, their wants are all on display. You decide whether you are a puritanical American or a free-spirited European… you wish to be safe by settling down or you wish for passion and keep searching for it… it’s all up to you… like it was up to him. He explores the many greys that paint relationships through each character.

 

They paint, they talk, they smile and they cycle to the country… they see… they walk… they talk and they cry… and I can’t help but think… think of my unrequited loves? The unfulfilled loves… How romantic were they? I think of fulfilled loves… but if that love didn’t last, was it ever fulfilled? I think of not leaving when I needed to… of the courage needed to leave someone who makes you feel safe… of the ‘moment passing’… of fleeting glimpses and loving from afar………. it’s easiest to love someone from afar… they seem so flawless, so beautiful, so perfectly love-able. You sigh and let the butterflies take over… you giggle and feel uncoordinated and blush and act like a complete fool but it’s so much fun to love in harmless superficial way… attaching worth to what you see, what you imagine… what you imagine them to be like. It’s fleeting, it’s like silk, it’s intoxicating and oh-so-impossible… you forget, you try and remember, but you forget.

 
In this room, which has been painted a golden hue since I drew the curtains, I sit and miss them all. I try and remember them, I catch glimpses and I smile. I never let you hurt me, but I was hurting nonetheless. Unrequited love is so tragic and poignant… I read of it and smile a sad smile… I see it and I try and shed a tear or two… Unrequited love is so beautiful, as lovely as emotions can be when they are self induced… We wallow in self induced misery… we sigh and weep and busy ourselves… we work on forgetting that which we would have never even missed. I press escape and the movie stops, I step in to silence. I shut the book tightly and put it away, I close my eyes and sadness washes over me. Cathartic…?
 

 

 

 

**Narco described it such before I could… 

Black.

She looked at me suspiciously, peered into my upturned face and exhaled freshly inhaled smoke out of the corner of her mouth. She took a very deep breath, pulled herself up to her full height and began…

It is darker than darkness, it is viscous and shiny black, it is soft… so very soft and black… a deep, dark, hungry black. It consumes every ounce of light, every speck of life, every bit of you and so much of me. It slithers and slides through the doors, through the laughter, through the pain. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It stays, it settles down, it rests in the dark corners after it has had its fill. It waits for light to shine, eyes to smile, people to forget how it’s been waiting… waiting patiently, lazily… for quite some time now.

Without realising what I was saying, I whispered, don’t my eyes match that black?